• Packed out elk camp with the horses – Packing out with backpacks on horseback is hard
• Got to do that with my Lovey – I’m sad the horses are leaving soon
• I enjoy being helpful – Double shifts are hard
• Rick is such a helpful loving human – The short road home was closed
• The horses were champions
• We made it down from elk camp
• I am attached to the big pasture puppies
• Brunch was steady
• Waited on a lot of big groups
• I’m starting to find my rhythm behind the bar
• Waited on a lot of fun people

[Reflection]

Sad feelings are hard, and negative thoughts/feelings can blind us from all the good. That’s why I learned with each negative thought should be countered by at least five positive ones. It helps to train our brain to look for the good.

James’ 20th Birthday – 10.05

It feels hard to be away from him, especially after last year’s fail. It helped to have Ian ask for pancakes today. I enjoy doing Mom stuff. It makes me sad to have missed out on so much of the last bit of time James lived at home. Acts of service are my fave way to share love.

[Reflection]

It doesn’t matter if it’s been a year, or twenty, Mom guilt is a thing that seems to always be a sensitive spot. Hindsight is 2020, seems to be a common theme in my life. I’m guessing it’s also something that presents in yours. The thing that never ceases to amaze me is social media, there is ALWAYS a video that shows you a better way to do things. I hope that my children aren’t offended with the insight I share from them. I wish I knew the things I know now, but I was working with what I knew then, and can only hope that they have learned from my mistakes.

October 13th…

Yesterday was a good day for me. I finally logged my August blog post, even got most of my September post done. I realized that I want to start doing a monthly intention or goal. This month is half way over but I want the intention to be focus on my creative goals. I want to have my photos hung up at Trailhead by the end of the month. Yesterday I got eight prints ordered, four are 14×11 and four are 8×8. It felt good to just do it. Rick helped me by picking his faves and then I picked some of mine. My favorite photos are of him, but I’m not printing those. I want to start figuring out more creative ways to embellish my photos so they stand out in a crowd. I also need to start working on a bio to hang with my photos. It feels good to have support, but also to receive positive feedback on some of the photos I’ve share on my social media lately.

[Reflection]

#avoidant I did everything I could to stay busy that day. Btw my therapist said I have a disorganized attachment. I’m a little anxious and avoidant depending on the circumstances. Which I totally agree on. It’s always been easier, not better for me, to avoid the hard shit. I have learned that sometimes you’ve gotta feel the feelings. If you just keep covering them up, they eventually boil over and fuck everything up. So, I felt them, I just didn’t talk about it. I tried to keep the focus on what was shiny in my life. Let me tell you, my life is shiny AF right now. Wanna know why??? Cause I communicate the things that are connected to feels. It is super hard, but being in a safe place, helps that.

Deer Hunting Opening Day… 10.15

Woke up to lots & lots of fog! Didn’t, and couldn’t see any deer, until almost 9am and it was on our way back to camp. Saw a descent buck, but I was ready for breakfast.

Ended up going out again and found the same buck. Rick took a shot, even though he thought he’d miss. We continued following them and he took another try but missed. Took that as his sign that the buck wasn’t the one. I got a lot of great photos. I’m excited to see them edited. 🙂

[Reflection]

Sometimes the shit teaches patience for the good. Yeah, I could expand on that, but I think that’s enough.

October 20th

The last couple of days were pretty rough. Saturday we both got upset and could only text, and that made it exponentially worse. Plus I started shark week, which means I’m less rational. Yesterday I was sure I’d be going back to Oregon. Then we both went to the gym and decompressed a little bit. We ended up going to the corn maze and played some kiddie games. We also got pumpkins to carve. I truly do love him. I also love that I bring out a side of him that no one else does. We really do compliment each other. I do believe that we need to learn how to manage the anxiety of our past relationships that makes our time separate a little nerve wracking…

[Reflection]

Your current relationship, is not your past relationships. Also, texting, is NOT actual communication. I already learned that, but old habits die hard when you’re in a triggered response. Emojis are not enough to match tone or facial expressions in conversation. Period.

October 23rd

Well fuck, back to the mushy stuff…

Sometimes the puzzle pieces fit magically, today feels like one of those days. Time at the gym with my lovey felt great, even though I had crummy sleep. Then work started slow and I may have dreaded the day, but it ended great. Had an awesome salad for dinner and even got to enjoy putting together my costume for Saturday. Maddie asked me to take photos of her and her guy this Sunday, which I’m excited to be able to have fun and learn with that. I even got my photography bio prints in the mail. I’ll probably take them to hang up tomorrow. PLUS there is an aerial silks class at the new gym on Mondays. Life feels REALLY DANG GOOD 🤍🤍🤍

🤍Don’t give up now, chances are your best kiss, your hardest laugh, and your greatest day are yet to come. 🤍 Love Her Wild, Atticus, page 196

[Reflection]

Stuff happens, it’s how you choose to respond to said stuff. Looking back at this month has made me realize that literally one out of 31 days was in conflict, not the dangerous kind. Those are really good odds. I’ll take one day out of thirty one. I guess, I should say that sometimes a boundary is broken that requires a huge decision. For instance, back in the day, all it took was one physical action to make me realize that I deserved better. If you are in a position where someone is hurting you, get the fuck out. Love doesn’t hurt. Not like that.

October 27th

Friday we hung up my photos at the Colonel, which is the music venue connected to the Trailhead. Saturday we dressed up and went to a costume party. I painted Rick’s face and he was such a good wolf. I love feeling like I’m the only person in the room when we are together. He activates my mind and body on so many levels. Sunday was spent mostly lazy due to feeling hungover… I ended up taking Maddie’s family pictures in the evening tho. I’m really glad I did too.

[Reflection]

Alcohol… It has moments that are fun, but it also usually means the next day isn’t so fun. It can even throw off a whole week for me. I need to remember that. I need to remember that if I am going to drink, I need to focus on maintaining other good habits. Eating less junk, drinking more water, staying active, you know the good stuff. Oh and positive thinking…

October 30th

I’m trying to get back into healthier habits. The season change and time away from my kiddos has been tough. I miss them a lot. A James hug sounds pretty good right now. He’s always the best hugger. I really hope that Damien’s baby is born by xmas so we get to meet her before our trip. I’m not sure how to process loving being here and also missing them. I know it’s not reasonable to think I’d see them all the time if I lived there, but I would likely see them more than I do now.

[Reflection]

I believe the way to mend the missing my kids and loving it here is to talk to them more. Making the time to text, ask questions, call, anything really is better than nothing. Sitting and thinking about missing them doesn’t help, but hearing their voices, or even getting pictures of them and their littles is a huge win. Action does a lot more for me than that crummy sad thought loop.

END OF THE MONTH…

October really opened my eyes to how much being intentional is needed for me. If I don’t have a plan, I fail. It doesn’t have to be a fully detailed execution list, but having one attainable piece laid out as a goal. That got me there and there sure as hell was a lot of fun mixed in between. Thinking and living in ultimates is a very closed minded way to be. Sometimes stepping outside of that brings the best changes. It sure helps to have a great support network.