Two months in Wyoming, and here comes the real test… Rick is headed to elk camp, for the month. Holy fuck nugget! Thank goodness for Starlink. 😅 I decided to put my gratitude with every post because I had a lot of hard feeling this …
Okay, what the heck??? We are already in the eighth month of the year and I’m not sure how to feel about it. It seems as though life has evolved so significantly in the last bit of time that it seems unrecognizable to what it …
I was supposed to be out fighting fire, but life had different plans…
If I don’t get called out to a fire in two weeks, I might just pack up and go there before October… It might be wreckless but… I’d rather go and get a seasonal job there, and start feeling at home.
Spoiler alert! I missed a call out July 3rd because I was so exhausted working on yard stuff that I went to bed early and was OUT cold! After that… My heart hated missing spending the 4th away from Rick, and I decided that on the 12th I’d send it if I didn’t get called again. Sooo….
Woke up awake and ready for the day 🙂 Started it by walking Star and then went on a hike with my Mom and Mark. It was pretty out there. Got back and decided to go to the river, I may have gotten a little sun burnt… Decision made. I’m going to send it to Rick’s. Tomorrow I’m going to visit the kids, and Tuesday I’ll start driving to his place. (Note: I had to wait until Saturday, worth it tho, my car needed some extra work done.) Eek!! I’m so excited to be there with him. My family has shared mixed emotions about it, happiness for me, but also apprehension because I haven’t known him that long.
Rick is adorable, already cleaned out closet space for me <3 I really hope this is’t just love bombing before the storm. Worst case, it’s another life lesson. I’d rather try than have missed out on the possibility of something special. I really think it is something special.
I didn’t journal on this day but I wanted to document how fun it was to get to take photos of a friend and their band. I would LOVE to do more of this kind of photography. Putting it out there for the universe 🙂 Also, anyone have any recommendations on where to sell my photography???
Their band is Alien Upgrade, if you wanna check them out.
Gratitude: Home 💕, Snuggles, Music, Empty car, Coffee, Star loving it here, Cozy spaces, Unpacking, Watching 💗 shoot his bow, Sunrises.
Not gonna lie, I do have a little anxiety being in his space. I just want him comfortable, I don’t want him to feel like I’ve taken over his sanctuary. I’m trying to be quick about putting my things away so that all of my “stuff” doesn’t feel overwhelming. Kind of makes me grateful I didn’t get to bring ALL of my stuff yet. Ha! I love that I asked for his help taking off the roof cargo carrier and he did it right away. Also that he checked the code for my check engine light right out the gate. Feels good to be taken care of and to have my safety be an importance too. Definitely feeling the love.
Feels weird to have a home space after not having one for the last 6 months but I’m sure I’ll settle in quickly. Kind of excited to start looking for a job here and to start meeting people so that I make sure he still has space for quiet too. It’s been a long time since he’s had someone living with him…
♥️ 10.5 Mile Hike ♥️
We went and car camped and then hiked out to where his son is doing his elk hunt. I am so at peace with Rick. So much joy in the small moments together. Even just walking in nature. His ability to be silly and lighten the mood when we are both tired of hiking and the never ending wind, swoon.
After our hike Demolition Derby time. I love that he wants to do fun things like that with me. The cherry on top, driving home, he remembered I wanted a photo of the Wyoming sign. Plus gave Star a big ol’ piece of string cheese for her 15th birthday.
Ok, I know you’re tired of my mushy af stuff… BUT I wanted to share this date because I had an amazing weekend, camping and scouting elkies with Rick, and took some photos that I love. Also, I want to share an important feeling I had…
HOME ♥️ It feels good to say it and actually believe I am here. The center I feel being with Rick matches the feeling I have sitting out in nature. The feeling I have when I’m dancing and feeling in the flow state. How I feel balls deep in the process of a painting or creative project. It’s not just a dopamine hit, it’s true satisfaction. True calm and safety.
I can’t say that it’s back to regular programming, because there’s more mushy stuff in the next journal update… So enjoy some photos first.
The first time in forever that I actually thought about having another human in my FB profile photo… That was kind of a weird epiphany for me today. I think that really showcases the comfort I have in this relationship. Maybe even my commitment to it. I really feel like I can be a girl. Still strong and able to do tough stuff, but able to release control and believe that he will take care of what he says. Trust! I love his handle the business personality. I also love that I asked him to take Star to the vet for me and he didn’t object or make me feel like I was inconveniencing him. It feels good to enjoy all of him. I’m hooked, with a treble hook as he would say. <3
I was recommended this book by two different people and while I’m still working my way thru reading it… Boom game changer! It’s making me question so many things: how I think, act, and feel; and how those things affect my current and future existence.
The mind is a powerful thing and if we are feeding it crap, or allowing our emotions to dictate our actions, it controls all the outcomes. A study took place at the HeartMath Research Center in California. They research the physiology of emotions, heart-brain interactions, and much more. They found a link between how our heart beats during different emotions. “When we have negative emotions (such as anger and fear), our heart rhythms become erratic and disorganized. In contrast, positive emotions (love and joy, for instance) produce highly ordered, coherent patterns that HeartMath researchers refer to as heart coherence.” If our feelings control how our heart beats, can you imagine what else our brain can do???
In the book, one quote that spoke out to me was: “You cannot walk through the door into the quantum field as a ‘somebody’; you must enter as a ‘no body.'” Change happens by being humble and adjusting your process. Have you ever heard of the plant experiment? The gist of it, it’s an experiment where they take two plants in the same living conditions, but have people saying loving things to one plant, and hateful things to the other. The plant who was fed positivity thrived, while the other, not so much. I have always known that there is power in words, but never realized how much thinking affects all of that too.
Warning: when feelings become the means of thinking, or if we cannot think greater than how we feel, we can never change. 🤯
I have literally taken a photo from the pages each time I’ve read this book because something each time makes my mind explode. I can’t wait to share more about it with you next month. I also can’t wait to continue learning thought principles and behaviors to better my life.
Confession… Sometimes I’m guilty of seeing reels on IG, or other social media places, and believing the propaganda. Especially since I’m feeling a huge desire to improve my relationships with people, and also have the best relationship I can with the person I’m with. Sometimes listening to something someone says that validates a way I’m feeling, feels great, but it doesn’t always actually have truth behind it. I recently stumbled upon Dr. Max Butterfield and I’ve gotta say it’s pretty refreshing. He has a website, wish he had a YouTube, for now though, I’ll settle with his reels on IG. Thought I’d share it here because it’s caring of course. I love that he usually has 3 reasons to give for why the “propaganda” is crap, or 3 steps to do things the right way.
While I didn’t do so well with meditation this month, I had lots of other wins. Lots of journaling, worked out consistently, moved to a new state, got a new job, took lots of photos, and got to spend a fair amount of time outdoors. Winning a little bit at a time. I’m ready for August. Heck, I’m ready for September, and even December. May have a little to do with grand babies on the way, but hey, let’s go!
Birthdays are a mother f’er. Nothing like feeling older to help give you a swift kick in the direction of motivation. Seeing that life keeps on going, makes me want to keep on growing. Keep finding all the things that bring me joy and continue …
Life transitions. Birthdays. Break-ups. New connections. Adventures. Life plans. Who tf knows?!? Anything is possible. … Not unhappily, but not fully either, like living in a house where the lights worked, but only in certain rooms. @thesenseswefeel I saw that quoted on someone else’s social …
Self care was weak this month… I did get a few things right though. My music theory is on point! Wanna know what it is??? I’ll share it below, with a link to my new fave playlist even. 😘 Really though, I didn’t do a lot of journaling, I don’t actually remember meditating at all. Parts of me knew things about myself that I didn’t want to admit, and journaling is always the place my thoughts explode. Therapy today… reflections… definitely showed me that. Time to do. With any luck, we will, or I will move forward from here! My apologies for lack of visual stimulation this time…
Today has felt hard. The thought of June coming and I still don’t have a solid life plan is hard. I want my own home base. I don’t want to feel like I’m a burden to my people….
Alright, enough journal BS. I don’t want to share how my feelings impacted, or were impacted by people in my life. I want to share what is making me move forward.
April was a month of revelations that I wanted to ignore. SO, I’m gonna share my music take away, instead of anything else from the month of April…
Music has always been a place that I’ve been able to share my feelings, feel them, or even influence how I’m feeling. Have you noticed that? When you are sad and listen to sad shit? It certainly makes me feel more sad, or helps me process thru the sad a little easier. Listening to the positive drivers helps me thru that too. Like really, GROW, GLOW, FLOW, that’s the vibe, if it don’t match that, it don’t get my time…
Our thoughts, are fed with what we expose ourselves to. What music feeds your soul?
Three months down. The majority of what I’ve heard is right, things are feeling better. The feeling of my heart falling out of my chest has gone, sadness still has moments, but on the lower percentage of things. I’m seeing more light than dark. That’s …
Every month seems to add a bit of growth. I met someone last month and this month, it’s kinda blown my mind how much fun I’ve had relearning my value. Guilt is a terrible thing and feeling ashamed of my actions led me to a …
Pause. Reflect. Act. I have the choice. Feelings that come and go, are no longer allowed to be the leader of my life.
I started the year with resolutions in mind and pretty much dropped them. Why? Sometimes the curve balls of life change trajectories. The intentions for a healthier me, mentally and emotionally, have become the focus, and my eyes have been opened to all kinds of new perspectives.
Just a heads up. This post is going to be on the darker side. This is pretty much going to be a rollercoaster of my thoughts this last month because grief is a mf’er. Navigating all of that with sobriety, other than edibles to sleep, has been interesting. New Year’s Eve was spent doing all the party favors, and damn. The reflections, and the dip, that came after was intense. There will be jokes and funny shit sprinkled in between because I’m a firm believer that for every negative you should balance it out with 5-10 positive things.
I’ll have all my current reads, and YouTube stuff at the bottom, so you can continue to see what’s been feeding my soul.
People come and go. Emotions flow like wind in the trees. It’s time to let go. Time to find a new path. I want to learn to trust my own breath to keep me alive. No more reliance on anyone else to find me. I’ve been blessed that every person in my life has served a part of my soul. Now it’s time to heal and find MY peace. #drugsanddancingintrospection
2 + 0 + 2 + 5 = 9 = Completion or Transformation, and releasing what no longer serves you/me! Numerology stuff. Give me all the woo-woo stuff as long as it seems relevant. – 01.03.2025
Dwelling on the past makes you miss out on the now! – 01.04.2025
[The way you are treating me right now is beneath me!]
FUCK!
I hate this. I hate him. I hate hurting. I hate not having a home. I hate feeling like a burden to others. I hate selfishness. I hate read receipts. I hate crying. I hate that I miss someone who values me so little.
There were shiny pieces to today though. A sunny day. A hike with my family. Organizing my art stuff. A delicious apple. Star snuggles. A beautiful night sky. Rainbow lights. Scenic views. Dirty jokes. Lot’s of good. So stop texting him!
({Please note, none of this is meant to be a negative jab at anyone, feelings happen. I don’t really feel hate towards anyone, honestly, this is what needed to happen. Feelings aren’t always fact.})
COMEDIC RELIEF – Did you know boys have 3 knees? A left knee, a right knee, and a weenie….
The thought of ending my life crossed my mind today. It’s been a month, why do I still feel such deep pain?
That’s all I wrote that day. I share this because sometimes thoughts like that happen. Change them any way you can. Go outside. Call a friend. Hell call me, I’m safe person. REACH OUT! Call the hotlines. YOUR PEOPLE WANT TO BE THERE FOR YOU, and want you here for them.
Lonely is hard. I thought this video was pretty interesting on helping us feel more connected to our people.
Get over yourself already… Just play like a kid, enjoy the process. Why do I feel so embarrassed? Get over it already! I went to flow night at JaJaPDX and felt awkward by myself. I introduced myself to a couple people and they were nice, but they left early. After they left, I was ready to leave. I ended up staying 30 minutes longer though. <—- Doing the hard things makes VICTORY come easier the next time!
– Forward Ambulation – This is what you are getting during your 10 minutes of quiet on your walk. It’s an optic and auditory flow state, your brain absorbs the outer happenings, it changes the way you see the world. It helps quiet your anxiety, doesn’t let you ruminate and helps with all the over thinking. <3
I went to bed with intentions, and woke up with them too. My living space is starting to feel like home. I had low moments, but recovered pretty quickly. Are things getting better? Yes.
COMEDIC RELIEF – Where do you take someone who’s been in a peek-a-boo accident? The ICU.
You don’t get to see this entry. BUT. My therapist said to make a pro’s and con’s list. Grieving an ended relationship can feel like a literal death. Do I hope that one day a friendship will be possible? Absolutely. Will there be low moments, missed memories? Yes. I’m learning to reframe them as happy moments that formed me, and happy that I’ll be able to utilize the not so good moments to learn from. I am referencing my not good behaviors here, I’m learning about the things me, that need work.
I can’t control what others do, I can control my reactions, and how I move forward. I’m thankful for that realization.
Tears. So many. So much confusion. So much want for what I don’t want. I don’t want to be lonely. I don’t want to argue to be seen. I don’t want to feel like I’m never enough in my partnership. I don’t want to stress over money. Stress over the lack of communication. So little to want and yet, it’s not about the things. It’s about the person. It’s his silly side. It’s his generosity. Caring heart. All of those are worth it to me. It’s no longer my choice. Now it’s my choice to choose someone who will love me how I want to be loved. Someone who will choose me back.
FIND JOY!
Shiny spot… Little Leo is going to be a big brother! I’ll be a Grandma/Gigi times two soon!
I hope you got through all of that okay. I hope that you are able to find hope in some of my trials. I heard that it takes 30 days to detox from a relationship, kind of like an addiction. While I’d love to say I committed to that, I hadn’t. I know that signing the divorce paperwork will bring a new wave of feelings, but I also know that it’s getting better. And will get even better. If you’re struggling with something hard, it will hurt less, and more joy will find you too. Be patient, give yourself grace, and space to feel the feelings.
I have had this book for a while, it shows, obviously. Bianca Sparacino has a way with words that helps the hurt feel a little less. Gives hope, and encourages moving forward to see you are worthy of all the things.
Social Anxiety- The Healthy Gamer of course, HERE
The Cost of Ignoring Trauma – An interview on the channel We Need to Talk, with Gabor Mate, HERE
I have been focused on sleep meditations, BUT frog sounds are my go to background sound. Sometimes just having a noise helps quiet the noise of overthinking in bed.
This podcast on Spotify has a small section that I like to reference for relaxing to sleep. He has you tighten and then relax all the sections of the body, a little bit at a time. I am almost asleep by the time he’s done. I don’t know enough about Astral Projection, but the body relaxation is super helpful. The guided part starts around eight minutes in, listen to it when you’re not trying to sleep to understand it, then practice it when you go to bed.
Like literally, I laughed so hard when I watched THIS!
Sending lots of love your way, please send some mine! See you next month with another update. <3
