February 2025

Every month seems to add a bit of growth. I met someone last month and this month, it’s kinda blown my mind how much fun I’ve had relearning my value. Guilt is a terrible thing and feeling ashamed of my actions led me to a dark place. Not just internally but with pretty much every connection I have. Taking the time to do things I enjoy again, along with diving into the why of my shadow traits has been freeing. Sometimes acknowledging our needs and realizing we deserve all the goodness despite our shit show is hard to do.

I’ve realized that comfort is a motivation killer. I hardly journaled this month because I’ve been finding joy in a lot of little things. Have there been lows, there sure as hell have, but I’m ruminating on them less. Do I still struggle with the loss of a 19 year relationship? Of course I do, but it’s no longer dictating my every move. I’m starting to focus on the possibility of a brighter future. Looking into going back to school, doing wildland firefighting this summer, and investing in learning new hobbies has been life changing.

Therapy

I have two therapists. One of them is the therapist my ex and I used for couple counseling. The other is a less conventional but I’m seeing so much good. It will probably never stop blowing my mind how powerful our thoughts are, and how they can lower our energy or raise it up. One of my favorite things to get from therapy is homework. Sessions are amazing because most of the time I get an emotional release of some sort, but really being able to work on stuff throughout the week is the most important. The battle of self is won in the daily habits.

Self love/acceptance is something I struggle with. One of my therapists has me doing mirror affirmations. Remember how I shared about the high-five in the mirror? This is kinda that, but on steroids. It’s pretty challenging to look yourself in the eyes and tell yourself you’re loved and believe in yourself, when you don’t really. But we all should because we are all unique and amazing in ourselves.

Mirror – Day 1

• Throughout the day each time you pass a mirror or see your reflection, please repeat these affirmations, even if you have to do it silently.
• Stand or sit in front of your bathroom mirror.
• Look into your eyes.
• Take a deep breath and say this affirmation: “I want to like you. I want to really learn to love you. Let’s go for it and really have some fun”
• Take another deep breath and say, “I’m learning to really like you. I’m learning to really love you”
• This is the first exercise, and I know it can be a little challenging, but please stay with it. Keep taking deep breaths. Look into your eyes. Use your own name as you say, ”I’m willing to learn to love you, [Name, I’m willing to learn to love you]”

… 02.03.2025 …

Journal pic because sharing the chaos of my brain might help you accept yours. <3

Gratitude

My most recent morning routine addition has included meditation and gratitude. Spending time with positivity and focusing on the things I am grateful for has been really good for me. Starting out the day listing out ten things that I am grateful for, even if it starts with a small gratitude tends to increase with each thought.

… 02.23.2025 …

1. Music and dance 💃🪩🕺
2. Colors
3. Creative play aka kandi
4. Kissing 😘
5. Waking up to a smiling face
6. Cheesecake in bed 🧁
7. Weekend getaways
8. Cozy sweatshirts
9. Meeting new people
10. Love 💗

Meditation right off the bat was hard. I didn’t really enjoy the video, but I sat naked on the bed and feel like that was growth. Self acceptance is a slow but worthy journey. It helps to have amazing people in my life that help me see the light of me. <3

Looking for joy, the positives, the good things, sure makes them seem more abundant. I know my hyper focus is on Jason right now, but so much good seems to show up when we are together. You attract your energy, and I love our energy. He makes me smile, and I do the same with him. I like that a lot. I like the vulnerable moments we have together. I feel safe with him. Having someone hear me, and talk things out in a way of looking for understanding is pretty rad.

… 02.25.2025 …

1. Pockets of blue sky
2. Dino tattoos
3. A partner in crime
4. Silly dog walks
5. Finished blog posts
6. Poetry
7. “Honey, I’m home!”
8. Being helpful
9. Being included in life
10. Meditative reflection

It’s getting close to being three months since he asked for divorce. I am sad for the disconnect of our family, but I am grateful for the new life I am living.

I want connection that is present in my life. I want to feel safe to be myself, and be the joyful person I truly am. I want to be able to share who I am and not worry that it will have a trauma response type consequence.

I live not to be put in someone else’s box. I don’t fit anyone’s mold because I am my own unique being. Is there really such thing as an original anymore? Probably not but I am enjoying my expression. There’s a certain peace in knowing that I am in control of me, and other people get to choose how they feel about it, but it’s not anything for me to worry about anymore.

Book of the Month

I had pre-ordered this book hoping it would arrive in December. It wasn’t supposed to be here till February so I cancelled the order. I ended up getting it on Audible and I have to say, I wanted it to help me through my break up, but it has helped me in so many ways. Understanding friendships, kids, family, expectations… Amazalicious! I’ve still got a couple chapters to go before finishing it, but so far it has been life changing.

Reflection

There are no real guidelines on when is too soon. No real guidelines to tell how to transition from point A to point B. No way to really know when is the right time. And healing is not linear. Sometimes I struggle with the guilt of loving more than one person, and then I remember that I love big, and I love multiple family members. It’s okay to love my ex in a different way than it was, and it’s okay to love someone new. It’s all about boundaries and how I move forward. I want to be true to myself, and no one else knows how to do that for me. It’s learning how to navigate new, and I’m here for it.