January 2025
Pause. Reflect. Act. I have the choice. Feelings that come and go, are no longer allowed to be the leader of my life.
I started the year with resolutions in mind and pretty much dropped them. Why? Sometimes the curve balls of life change trajectories. The intentions for a healthier me, mentally and emotionally, have become the focus, and my eyes have been opened to all kinds of new perspectives.
Just a heads up. This post is going to be on the darker side. This is pretty much going to be a rollercoaster of my thoughts this last month because grief is a mf’er. Navigating all of that with sobriety, other than edibles to sleep, has been interesting. New Year’s Eve was spent doing all the party favors, and damn. The reflections, and the dip, that came after was intense. There will be jokes and funny shit sprinkled in between because I’m a firm believer that for every negative you should balance it out with 5-10 positive things.
I’ll have all my current reads, and YouTube stuff at the bottom, so you can continue to see what’s been feeding my soul.
… January 1 …
People come and go. Emotions flow like wind in the trees. It’s time to let go. Time to find a new path. I want to learn to trust my own breath to keep me alive. No more reliance on anyone else to find me. I’ve been blessed that every person in my life has served a part of my soul. Now it’s time to heal and find MY peace. #drugsanddancingintrospection
2 + 0 + 2 + 5 = 9 = Completion or Transformation, and releasing what no longer serves you/me! Numerology stuff. Give me all the woo-woo stuff as long as it seems relevant. – 01.03.2025
Dwelling on the past makes you miss out on the now! – 01.04.2025
… January 11th …
[The way you are treating me right now is beneath me!]
FUCK!
I hate this. I hate him. I hate hurting. I hate not having a home. I hate feeling like a burden to others. I hate selfishness. I hate read receipts. I hate crying. I hate that I miss someone who values me so little.
There were shiny pieces to today though. A sunny day. A hike with my family. Organizing my art stuff. A delicious apple. Star snuggles. A beautiful night sky. Rainbow lights. Scenic views. Dirty jokes. Lot’s of good. So stop texting him!
({Please note, none of this is meant to be a negative jab at anyone, feelings happen. I don’t really feel hate towards anyone, honestly, this is what needed to happen. Feelings aren’t always fact.})
COMEDIC RELIEF – Did you know boys have 3 knees? A left knee, a right knee, and a weenie….
… January 13th… Trigger Warning … suicide
The thought of ending my life crossed my mind today. It’s been a month, why do I still feel such deep pain?
That’s all I wrote that day. I share this because sometimes thoughts like that happen. Change them any way you can. Go outside. Call a friend. Hell call me, I’m safe person. REACH OUT! Call the hotlines. YOUR PEOPLE WANT TO BE THERE FOR YOU, and want you here for them.
Lonely is hard. I thought this video was pretty interesting on helping us feel more connected to our people.
… January 15th …
Get over yourself already… Just play like a kid, enjoy the process. Why do I feel so embarrassed? Get over it already! I went to flow night at JaJaPDX and felt awkward by myself. I introduced myself to a couple people and they were nice, but they left early. After they left, I was ready to leave. I ended up staying 30 minutes longer though. <—- Doing the hard things makes VICTORY come easier the next time!
… January 19th …
Wake Up Routine
- No snooze – Countdown 5-4-3-2-1 and get out of bed.
- Make your bed – Helps stay out of it, also helps you start the day with an accomplishment.
- Give yourself a high 5 – Go to the bathroom mirror and do it!
- Drink water – Drink it before coffee, give yourself at least an hour of being awake before caffeine.
- Get outside AND go for a walk – Spend at least 10 minutes without music or any other stimulation other than the outside world. Daylight helps wake our bodies up.
- Bonus – Spend 15 minutes on a project that matters to you. Write. Draw. Business plan. Fill your cup before anyone else’s.
– Forward Ambulation – This is what you are getting during your 10 minutes of quiet on your walk. It’s an optic and auditory flow state, your brain absorbs the outer happenings, it changes the way you see the world. It helps quiet your anxiety, doesn’t let you ruminate and helps with all the over thinking. <3
I went to bed with intentions, and woke up with them too. My living space is starting to feel like home. I had low moments, but recovered pretty quickly. Are things getting better? Yes.
COMEDIC RELIEF – Where do you take someone who’s been in a peek-a-boo accident? The ICU.
… January 24th …
You don’t get to see this entry. BUT. My therapist said to make a pro’s and con’s list. Grieving an ended relationship can feel like a literal death. Do I hope that one day a friendship will be possible? Absolutely. Will there be low moments, missed memories? Yes. I’m learning to reframe them as happy moments that formed me, and happy that I’ll be able to utilize the not so good moments to learn from. I am referencing my not good behaviors here, I’m learning about the things me, that need work.
I can’t control what others do, I can control my reactions, and how I move forward. I’m thankful for that realization.
… January 29th …
Tears. So many. So much confusion. So much want for what I don’t want. I don’t want to be lonely. I don’t want to argue to be seen. I don’t want to feel like I’m never enough in my partnership. I don’t want to stress over money. Stress over the lack of communication. So little to want and yet, it’s not about the things. It’s about the person. It’s his silly side. It’s his generosity. Caring heart. All of those are worth it to me. It’s no longer my choice. Now it’s my choice to choose someone who will love me how I want to be loved. Someone who will choose me back.
FIND JOY!
Shiny spot… Little Leo is going to be a big brother! I’ll be a Grandma/Gigi times two soon!
Let’s RECAP!
I hope you got through all of that okay. I hope that you are able to find hope in some of my trials. I heard that it takes 30 days to detox from a relationship, kind of like an addiction. While I’d love to say I committed to that, I hadn’t. I know that signing the divorce paperwork will bring a new wave of feelings, but I also know that it’s getting better. And will get even better. If you’re struggling with something hard, it will hurt less, and more joy will find you too. Be patient, give yourself grace, and space to feel the feelings.
Current Book Obsessions
I have had this book for a while, it shows, obviously. Bianca Sparacino has a way with words that helps the hurt feel a little less. Gives hope, and encourages moving forward to see you are worthy of all the things.
Videos for Growth
Social Anxiety- The Healthy Gamer of course, HERE
The Cost of Ignoring Trauma – An interview on the channel We Need to Talk, with Gabor Mate, HERE
Sleep Hacks
I have been focused on sleep meditations, BUT frog sounds are my go to background sound. Sometimes just having a noise helps quiet the noise of overthinking in bed.
This podcast on Spotify has a small section that I like to reference for relaxing to sleep. He has you tighten and then relax all the sections of the body, a little bit at a time. I am almost asleep by the time he’s done. I don’t know enough about Astral Projection, but the body relaxation is super helpful. The guided part starts around eight minutes in, listen to it when you’re not trying to sleep to understand it, then practice it when you go to bed.
Laugh of the month
Like literally, I laughed so hard when I watched THIS!
Sending lots of love your way, please send some mine! See you next month with another update. <3